The Sense of non-sense

The Sense of non-sense

There is a part of me that wants to write,

A part that wants to theorize, a part that

Wants to sculpt and a part that wants to

Teach … To force myself into a single

Role, to decide to be just one thing in life,

Would kill of larger parts of me.

My career will form behind me. All I can

Do is let this day come to me in peace. All

I can do is take the step before me now,

And not fear repeating an effort or making

A new one.

I say to people, "I always do so-and-so, " or

"I never do so-and-so, " as if being myself

Depended on such banal consistencies.

"Next time I will …"

"From now on I will … "

-What makes me think I am wiser today

than i will be tomorrow?

The more I consult my deeper feelings

throughout the day, the more i fall back into

that place of quiet knowing to see if what I

am doing is what I want to be doing, then

the less I fell at the end of day that i have

been wasting time. Perhaps the waste was

never in the activities themselves but in my

pulling forth too petty a justification for

doing them

As I look back upon my life, one of the most

constant and powerful things I have

experienced is the desire to be more than I

am at the moment - an unwillingness to let

my mind remain in the pettiness where it

idles - a desire to increase the boundaries of

myself - a desire to feel more, learn more,

express more - a desire to grow, improve,

purify, expand. I used to interpret this inner

push as meaning that there was some one

thing out there that I wanted to do or be or

have. And I have spent too much of my life

trying to find it. But now I know that this

energy within me is seeking more that the

mate or the profession or the religion, more

even the pleasure or power or -meaning. It is

seeking more of me; or better, it is, thank

God, releasing more of me.

Perfectionism is slow death. Idols and ideals

are based on the past. If everything were to

turn out just as I would want it to, just as I

would plan, I would never experience anything

new. My life would be an endless repetition

of stale successes. When I make a mistake I

experienced something unexpected.

I sometimes react to mistakes as if I have

betrayed myself. My fear of them seems to

arise from the assumption that I am

potentially perfect and that if I can just be

very careful i will not fall from heaven. But

a mistake is a declaration of the way I am

now, a jolt to the expectations I have

unconsciously set, a reminder I am not

dealing with the facts. When I have

listened to my mistakes I have grown.

Guilt is a guide that will lead me whenever I

choose to follow. It will raise its righteous

banner and take me to the wasteland of my

incompetence. Guilt is a voice that will

speak whenever I choose to listen. It will

mournfully address any subject but one;

correcting the mistake.

The key to motivation is to look at how

far I have come rather than how far I have

to go.

-swarochish chekuri

05IE1004

If god is watching us the least we can do is to be entertaining.